Are You Fearless Or Fearful?

You love the idea of commitment but only in the workplace. You want to commit if it would mean a promotion or a salary hike. You put such a premium on career advancement that anything less than 50 hours spent in the office each week feels like a felony. In fact, you love your work to death even though sometimes you don't get the same amount of loving in return, and all for good reason: you want your life to be a bed of roses-and flowers don't come cheap. On the other hand, you avoid discussing the issue of commitment in a romantic merger because, as you so often brazenly claim over a raised glass of martini, independence is key to your happiness.

The thread that binds you to your boyfriend or girlfriend is as retractable as a doggie leash, and dedication in your relationship only means walking Fido every now and then, and not when it's raining. Any one of the following may be your reason for your commitment phobia or why you fear being stuck to the same person for a long time or a lifetime (especially if put that way). Be honest with yourself and identify the cause of your trepidation; you'll never overcome it unless you do. The past wasn't a blast You've had your share of undesirables and all of them combined have corrupted your idea of a "happy ever after" life.

Timing is Everything

One of my blog readers emailed me last week with this question. "My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. Most of that time we lived in separate cities because I was in grad school. However, when I moved to Atlanta where he worked, there was no real discussion about moving in together. He wanted to wait until we were engaged. Six weeks ago he lost his job. Last night at dinner he suggested he move into my place and that it might be time to talk about getting married. I really want to get married. However, his situation seems really unstable. What do you think?"

Plain and simple, the answer is no. He was in no mood to get married until he was going to be unable to pay rent. I think you might say something to him like this, "We have taken our relationship at a very conservative pace. I think it's clear it's a priority for both of us that we do not rush and that we are both in really stable places in our own lives before we take the next step together. I don't know what the next step is, getting married or engaged, or just moving in together. However, I do know when we take that step, you will feel better if you have your ducks in a row before we do anything. The timing just isn't right."